I am scared, worried, nervous!

I am worried since dinner time, when i was told by Chee Seong that next week is the due date for the submission of the internship letter. But until now, i get nothing, what i can do is just a blind wait. Hopelessly wait.I know right now is already 1.45am, yet i won't be sleeping soon as there are a lot of stuff awaited for me to do. Too much tasks, lab reports, homework,revision for next week Fluid Mechanics exam, the Integrated Project tasks, FEBLAB software to be learn for the project, my German classes, the application stuff, and last but not least, the INTERNSHIP

I remembered last year, July 24, 2008 where i received an e-mail from my scholarship's company,YSD.
The content stated that i was compulsory to do my practical training under SD. Thus, i replied them on August 14.

September, where we had our first meeting for the internship organised by my faculty. Everyone started looking for the a position even the application only will start during September. That time i was not in worried as i know i will be given a place for my intership by my sholarship's company.

On the middle of October, my university organised a career fair. There i met Ms Shuhada, the one that in-charge of the SD's booth during the fair. I asked her about about the details regarding internship as a YSD's scholar and she told me to e-mail the person in-charge of my scholarship and cc to her the e-mail. Well, i did e-mailed again my resume and my internship details to YSD and i was replied that my application will be process and my status of application will be advise once i received a placement for it.

On the middle of November, just a day before my final paper, i applied for a internship post using Jobstreet, and i was called for the interview in Petaling Jaya. I went all the way to PJ for the interview and i was successful for the application. Then, i was requested to get the confirmation letter for the post. I consulted with my friend who work at HR department. He suggested me not to take up the letter as it required me to sign the confirmation letter as i been told by YSD that i need to do my practical training under SD. Therefore, i didn't take up the letter.The company was Tien Wah Group Bhd.

I waited patiently for the reply from YSD. From time to time, i actually wanted to call the YSD for clarification, yet i scared if i will bothered them as i already sent the second e-mail, as well several calls.

On January 10,2009, i sent my 3rd e-mail to YSD as i been told that my resume has been misplaced and i was required to send again my resume. No choice, i just did what i has been told to do. That's the only thing i can do. There is no place for me to fuss out, there is no place for me to complain. And i don't really want to confront anyone. I don't want to blame anyone, I just wanna to get a position for my internship. YET.......

For the following week, i made another call to YSD to get myself updated for my internship status. And i got the same reply, your application is still in process....... I am helpless. There is nothing i can do.

After the Scholar Development Programme, i knew that Ms Intan will be in-charging on the internship programme. Therefore, on February 9, again i sent my internship detail to her.

I did call her, twice within a week regarding my internship, yet i still didn't get any positive answer from her. Still pending......

Today, after been told that by next week will be the closing date for my internship application. Those who failed for the application will have to extend. Crush!!!!! I was so shock, so worried, my head was swinging. Luckily i still manage to cover up my feeling. Today was the birthday celebration for 4 of my friends. I didn't want to spoil the atmosphere. All i can do was just acting, and showed them the everything is normal.

Right now, i was so nervous, so scared, so ........ I do really need someone beside me right now to comfort me, to share my worries.
But, when i looked around, there is no one there........

When the flower bloomed....

The Valentine's Day just passed. Just couple days before that, i saw one of my housemate make origami, a rose type. Today, i read one of my friend blog, and it showed his moments of love, moments of happiness. Really wish them have an eternity love!


But... somehow, it just reminded my the past which i don't really wanna to remember. It reminded how obsessed i was for that special day. My obsession not just on the day itself, but the preparation, the surprises and sacrifices i made. Well! I can say what i did really better than what my friends did for such a day. But in the end, i realised that what i did just to please. No denial, some of the things i did out of my own will, but the result given me another answer. As Li Yi said in her blog, " as time passes, everything changes" " Sometime, just like when you tidy up your room, throw what you suppose to throw, as they are already spoilt and rotten.So do your bad memories"
What she said was right, but just time you just can't stop flashing back the past.

When we say Valentine's Day, we imagine of flowers,roses, couples, dinner, and $$. LOL!

I was so fortunate that i was able to spent the day with my friends. I really willing to spend for the sake of passing through the very moment rather that doing nothing in the room.

Guess that i suppose able to spend a more meaningful day, but becoz i am a pleaser( refer Wai Si's blog), i didn't make it. Pleaser! She was right, i am one of the pleaser. Always please others. Wish i can be more selfish, wish i can care less on others people views.
If i can do so, guess that day might be a special day for me too. Unfortunately, a pleaser always a pleaser. Friends come first.
Nevertheless, i really glad that i have that bunch of friends i can hang out with. Thank you!

Well, love is something so possessive which i really have to avoid. It has been almost a year. People popped up with the questions "Are you sure you are single?" "why don't you look for a girlfriend?" "When are you getting a girlfriend?".....blah...blah....how annoying. But the most annoying when people simply match me up with others. Though most of the time i ignore it, but sometime it really get me irritated



For me, looking for a girl, flirt with her, then date, and do what couple do, but at the end everything turned into ashes. The moment, you feel you doubt about your relationship, then gone case. It's done.

Maybe i am tired of such unsuccessful relationships. Or maybe that not what i really need. But, sometime out of loneliness, you really few like hugging someone, and what i did was hugging my booster. LOL!

for time being, i will hug my booster!

Maybe one day.....

just before you sleep...

a good night kiss.....

Soft-Hearted

I was suppose not to post any blog for my "self-reinvent" period. But......

I am always failed to get things i suppose to get or things that i suppose to do. I am so easy to be persuade for things that i don't want to do and didn't do things that i wanted to do.

Today, i was suppose to summit up a lab report, somehow one of the coursemate requested it for reference and promise to summit up for me later. Deep in my heart, i really don't want to borrow him my report. Firstly, i don't really close to that guy, secondly, i really wanna to personally summit up my own report. I really scare if my report didn't reach the demonstrator and i get penalized for my kindness. But, i really don't know how to say "NO"

At the same time, i encountered a group's member who always push all his problems to me. People who ask him somethings always ended up on my side. Everything seem related to me. Sometimes, i am really frustrated, but at least i know what kind of person they are. Dealing these kind of people really need a lot patient. Sigh.... It really alerted me to be more careful when i choose friends or i might ended been use again and again.
Life!

Again, this evening i introduced my housemate tuition students to him. Everything ran smooth, until the time when we discuss about the charges.i suppose to charge him at least half of the monthly income. But somehow, due to my stupid soft-hearted character, i just ended up charging him only one fifth of it. I really wanna to ask more, but.... sigh..

Sometime, i wish myself be more cold-hearted and more selfish. But a lot of time, because of the small connection, the small bond between these beings, i fail to do what i really wanted to do.