K, now talking about hope!
As usual, I never let anyone to control my destiny. For me, only I myself can choose my path. So, the word “hope” hardly comes across to my world. And I don’t really believe in hope, because this word always brings me disappointment at the end of the day.
Recently, again I have been given a hope by the Reader’s Digest, a monetary hope, a hope that can fulfill my wishes. These letters come just in time, I the time where I need financial aid for my final year degree in Germany as well some others things.
I actually don’t really believe it, but the way the written they letter, the contents make me have a “hope” that I never expect. I have been told that I have been selected to join a contest which make up only 2% in Selangor and get a very high chance to win it. It’s say that the letter for the contest will reach in few days, and it’s been a week since the last letter. The hope is fading. I do wish for a fulfilled hope, but for an empty hope, I rather don’t want to have any of it. I don’t know how true the letter is, just wait and see. I don’t want to place high expectation on it, coz I might ended up with another disappointment.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Chistmas Gift!?
Christmas over. But the happening part was not the day of it; it was the day before the Christmas eve. In fact this celebration is just an additional event for me. Yes the 24th of December, the day where my result was out. I don’t know it was a good wake up gift for me or the worst gift I ever received.
At least at the moment I checked me result, I take it as the worst gift ever. I got the worst result ever, the worst in the whole 2 and the half years in university. It was below 3. That’s the horrible thing I ever imagine.
I remember few days back, where I saw a bunch of my coursemates were at the Dean’s office. Why? They are those who got below 3(GPA), and need to register for the approval on any additional unit taken. At that moment, I ask myself, is that hard to get above 3? Why so many of them get such result? But the moment I get my own result, I was stunt. As if I am switching position. I was standing the same position they were standing for the unit addition application. I don’t know what to do. Or you could say there is nothing I can do to change the result. It’s suck.
Putting aside, I keep telling myself, “ this is a wake up call for myself, a warning for me to start work hard on my studies” I do always keep on thinking in a positive way, telling myself “tomorrow will be a better day” That what I am telling myself every morning when I wake up “ may I be well and happy today”. But somehow, I yet to be given a positive answer. Perhaps someday…
At least at the moment I checked me result, I take it as the worst gift ever. I got the worst result ever, the worst in the whole 2 and the half years in university. It was below 3. That’s the horrible thing I ever imagine.
I remember few days back, where I saw a bunch of my coursemates were at the Dean’s office. Why? They are those who got below 3(GPA), and need to register for the approval on any additional unit taken. At that moment, I ask myself, is that hard to get above 3? Why so many of them get such result? But the moment I get my own result, I was stunt. As if I am switching position. I was standing the same position they were standing for the unit addition application. I don’t know what to do. Or you could say there is nothing I can do to change the result. It’s suck.
Putting aside, I keep telling myself, “ this is a wake up call for myself, a warning for me to start work hard on my studies” I do always keep on thinking in a positive way, telling myself “tomorrow will be a better day” That what I am telling myself every morning when I wake up “ may I be well and happy today”. But somehow, I yet to be given a positive answer. Perhaps someday…
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Money!
People say if you keep on imagine something, one day what your imagination will come true. They say that human mind generate wave to fulfill what we wish. Once our frequency same as the world frequency, thing that you imagine will turn real. Really?
How true is it, i don't know. But somehow i wish what i wished.
Recently i am practicing a method of happiness, every morning, once i open my eye, i will tell myself "i will be happy." As if it was a habit, somehow i will tell myself that phrase once i woke up. I don't know whether it help or not. But a least i am not unhappy at that moment. When it's bed time, my mood changed. Every night, when i was about to sleep, emptiness will surround me, as if i need a companion, but at the end what accompanied me was the loneliness.
I don't blame anyone for that, it just because i am deluded, i don't dare to face the reality, i am not courage enough to accept me identity, the true of me. Wearing a mask is ain't easy for me. But i really can't unmask it, i don't want to lose all things thati am having now. I don't want to lose any connection i have made. Nothing is perfect, when you want to gain something, you must give up something. Sigh...
Lately, i have been given i light of hope, a chance to be in Germany end of next year. I have given up what i need to give up. I have done what i need to do. And now i am depending the light of hope. I am very scared that the hope will turned up to be disappointment. I am not the one who believe in faith or depend on faith, but in certain situation, you really can't do anything, what you can do is wait for the result.
To be in Germany for my final degree is not the only purpose. I want o see the outside world, i want to be abroad, i want to travel, AND i want to find myself. I want to find what the thing i really need. I am looking at the surrounding, looking in myself, but i can't get the answer. Perhaps, the answer is there, and i just need to study and think in a different manner.
Life....
How true is it, i don't know. But somehow i wish what i wished.
Recently i am practicing a method of happiness, every morning, once i open my eye, i will tell myself "i will be happy." As if it was a habit, somehow i will tell myself that phrase once i woke up. I don't know whether it help or not. But a least i am not unhappy at that moment. When it's bed time, my mood changed. Every night, when i was about to sleep, emptiness will surround me, as if i need a companion, but at the end what accompanied me was the loneliness.
I don't blame anyone for that, it just because i am deluded, i don't dare to face the reality, i am not courage enough to accept me identity, the true of me. Wearing a mask is ain't easy for me. But i really can't unmask it, i don't want to lose all things thati am having now. I don't want to lose any connection i have made. Nothing is perfect, when you want to gain something, you must give up something. Sigh...
Lately, i have been given i light of hope, a chance to be in Germany end of next year. I have given up what i need to give up. I have done what i need to do. And now i am depending the light of hope. I am very scared that the hope will turned up to be disappointment. I am not the one who believe in faith or depend on faith, but in certain situation, you really can't do anything, what you can do is wait for the result.
To be in Germany for my final degree is not the only purpose. I want o see the outside world, i want to be abroad, i want to travel, AND i want to find myself. I want to find what the thing i really need. I am looking at the surrounding, looking in myself, but i can't get the answer. Perhaps, the answer is there, and i just need to study and think in a different manner.
Life....
Friday, December 19, 2008
Addiction?
It have been the end of second week for this semester, but I don't learn much. Who to blame? Of course myself, but partly to be blame on the unsystematic administration. No book available, the "spin"(webpage as a medium btwn lecturer and students) still not available, some lecturer absent for the first week classes so even for the 2nd week classes, worst still when some classes start during January. Everything since in mess.
The same thing come to myself, as if i am still in a holiday mood. My determination still yet to be activated. I am still lazying here and here, wasting my time. Why? Many reason, This is the month of December, the holiday month, this the beginning of the class, a easy going time, or maybe because i don't have any holidays.
I suppose to write something about addiction. But somehow i lost the mood. Maybe next time.
The same thing come to myself, as if i am still in a holiday mood. My determination still yet to be activated. I am still lazying here and here, wasting my time. Why? Many reason, This is the month of December, the holiday month, this the beginning of the class, a easy going time, or maybe because i don't have any holidays.
I suppose to write something about addiction. But somehow i lost the mood. Maybe next time.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Thing that I missed!
Since the day i make up my mind to be in Germany end of next year(only if everything goes smooth), I do actually made a number of sacrifices. I do actual practicing the concept of "loss and gain". as well the "pain and pleasure". Though i am always in the positive thought, but somehow there are time that you uninspired, feel a lot of pain, suffering which might ended up change in mind. Sigh....., I do always tell myself, "don't think what you loss ,but think what you gained" It seem easy to say and understand the meaning, but when i come in to practice, nothing is easy.
To follow the path of oneself determination is not that simple, and to walked the path alone is almost impossible. Been discouraged by the losses, disappointment, and loneliness, you barely can take a step forward.
Until today, there are 10 most important things that i really can't afford to give up, but i had given it up.
1) Time- the most precious thing in life, i used up all my time for the German class.
2) Holidays- the only 2 weeks of holidays ended up in the German class going nowhere.
3) Home- home sweet home, it have been months since the last time. Probably 2-3 months.
4) Energy- this intensive class really intense me. A whole day class + homework + revision.Sigh..
5) Money- i really hate this problem. I wish i can find a solution for this. I really need it.
6) Yumcha- no holidays = no yumcha, coz i can't go back.
7) Weekend- As if i work 7 days a week. I am missing out of break.
8) Life- I almost missing out of live.Live as an uni student.It's almost lifeless to me.
9) Incovar- that's what i just missed recently. I really wanna to go.
10) Myself- live changing, i am not myself anymore.
Things that i disappointed
1) Self-satisfaction- sometime, no matter how hard you try, you just fail to get what you want.
2) Self-limitation- whenever you do thing, there is a limit that you can't surpass it.
3) Live- sometime you always ended up with an unwanted situation. Perhaps that's karma.
4) Administration- you are doing your part,somehow there are jerks that won't do their parts.
5) Surrounding- there are always people that discouraged you, trying to pull you down.
Lone ranger. Such a nice word introduced by the present MCA chief, but indeed i shared the same path.
Striving, and struggling that's what i am doing now. For the sake of my goal, my aim. For unknown future.
Just like the dhamma speaker said, "life is just like a driver driving a car in the dark road, with the car light, he have a 1om sight, and with that short sight, he continue to move forward. How if i extend the story with a question, " Is there any difference if the driver driving alone or with a passanger?", Yes, i know that the well-determined driver will keep driving, but really matter is process in the duration from the driver start driving till he reached his destination. Life is not about the beginning or the ending, but about the process.
For the above question, i say yes. There is a difference, but there is another question popped out, "Who is the passanger?" Somehow, in life there are people 3 type of beings, a friend, a foe, or a neutral. Of course you will choose the first type, friend. But, that give rise to another question, "You are his friend, or he is your friend, or you both are friends?"
Complicated right, why must i make it so complicated? Can't we just ignored all those stuff, and simplified everything? I wish i could, but that's the life. Not the life of others, but it's my life.
I have choosen my path,
I am taking my path,
I am heading to my path,
and I just wish i am not alon in my path.
Can i?
To follow the path of oneself determination is not that simple, and to walked the path alone is almost impossible. Been discouraged by the losses, disappointment, and loneliness, you barely can take a step forward.
Until today, there are 10 most important things that i really can't afford to give up, but i had given it up.
1) Time- the most precious thing in life, i used up all my time for the German class.
2) Holidays- the only 2 weeks of holidays ended up in the German class going nowhere.
3) Home- home sweet home, it have been months since the last time. Probably 2-3 months.
4) Energy- this intensive class really intense me. A whole day class + homework + revision.Sigh..
5) Money- i really hate this problem. I wish i can find a solution for this. I really need it.
6) Yumcha- no holidays = no yumcha, coz i can't go back.
7) Weekend- As if i work 7 days a week. I am missing out of break.
8) Life- I almost missing out of live.Live as an uni student.It's almost lifeless to me.
9) Incovar- that's what i just missed recently. I really wanna to go.
10) Myself- live changing, i am not myself anymore.
Things that i disappointed
1) Self-satisfaction- sometime, no matter how hard you try, you just fail to get what you want.
2) Self-limitation- whenever you do thing, there is a limit that you can't surpass it.
3) Live- sometime you always ended up with an unwanted situation. Perhaps that's karma.
4) Administration- you are doing your part,somehow there are jerks that won't do their parts.
5) Surrounding- there are always people that discouraged you, trying to pull you down.
Lone ranger. Such a nice word introduced by the present MCA chief, but indeed i shared the same path.
Striving, and struggling that's what i am doing now. For the sake of my goal, my aim. For unknown future.
Just like the dhamma speaker said, "life is just like a driver driving a car in the dark road, with the car light, he have a 1om sight, and with that short sight, he continue to move forward. How if i extend the story with a question, " Is there any difference if the driver driving alone or with a passanger?", Yes, i know that the well-determined driver will keep driving, but really matter is process in the duration from the driver start driving till he reached his destination. Life is not about the beginning or the ending, but about the process.
For the above question, i say yes. There is a difference, but there is another question popped out, "Who is the passanger?" Somehow, in life there are people 3 type of beings, a friend, a foe, or a neutral. Of course you will choose the first type, friend. But, that give rise to another question, "You are his friend, or he is your friend, or you both are friends?"
Complicated right, why must i make it so complicated? Can't we just ignored all those stuff, and simplified everything? I wish i could, but that's the life. Not the life of others, but it's my life.
I have choosen my path,
I am taking my path,
I am heading to my path,
and I just wish i am not alon in my path.
Can i?
Sunday, December 7, 2008
End of The" Holiday"!
Wow, just a glimpse of eye, the 2 week of holiday just passed. I really couldn't feel it. Somehow it was too fast for me. Bonded with the German intensive class, i could barely go out. The most i could do is only a show. Sigh... That's the life. Because of these classes, i can't even feel that today is actually Sunday. Weekday or weekend make no different to me. Tomorrow will be the our new semester. I promise myself that this semester will be a turning point for me. The time for me to fulfill what i promised for myself. Sometimes i do hate myself. I don't know why i am able to fulfilled all the promises i made to others but not to myself. I keep telling myself," it's the time for you to give yourself an achievement" but somehow thing didn't work as planned. Why? I am also asking the same question. LOL!
Previously i viewed Bro Oh blog and i saw his Food for Thought which consist of 4 groups:
1) Pain & Pleasure
2) Loss & Gain
3) Blame & Praise
4) Dishonor & Honor
Somehow i am current understand the first 3 groups, and practicing the first 2 groups. Even though i am just practicing only the 2 of its, i do find it hard to fully practice it. Sometime my laziness overwhelmed myself. The 3rd group, hard for me to practice, maybe because my short tempered character as well my stupid big mouth. Somehow, i wish i am mute. Coz sometime i couldn't control it. Only those who close enough to me can stand with it. Though i normally seen as a good quite boy, but when i am with my "friends", my nature appeared. sigh... "A friend in need, is a friend indeed". Haha... i hardly can define the word friend. Warum sage ich das? "Das sage ich lieber nicht. Was sagst du? Was bedeutet 'Freund,? Ich verstehe nicht.
The 4th group. I don't how to practice it.LOL!
Today, Frau Maria asked what my daily rountine, and somehow i do told her that sometimes i spent my time in blogging and she suggested to write it in German. I actually had thought about it, but that time my Deutsch too weak. Aber ich will in der Januar anfangen. Am Januar fange ich mein Deutschblog an. OK?
Es ist zu spaet. Jetzt ist einundzwanzig Uhr vierzig. Ich muss meine deutsche hausaufgaben weiter.
Tschues!
Previously i viewed Bro Oh blog and i saw his Food for Thought which consist of 4 groups:
1) Pain & Pleasure
2) Loss & Gain
3) Blame & Praise
4) Dishonor & Honor
Somehow i am current understand the first 3 groups, and practicing the first 2 groups. Even though i am just practicing only the 2 of its, i do find it hard to fully practice it. Sometime my laziness overwhelmed myself. The 3rd group, hard for me to practice, maybe because my short tempered character as well my stupid big mouth. Somehow, i wish i am mute. Coz sometime i couldn't control it. Only those who close enough to me can stand with it. Though i normally seen as a good quite boy, but when i am with my "friends", my nature appeared. sigh... "A friend in need, is a friend indeed". Haha... i hardly can define the word friend. Warum sage ich das? "Das sage ich lieber nicht. Was sagst du? Was bedeutet 'Freund,? Ich verstehe nicht.
The 4th group. I don't how to practice it.LOL!
Today, Frau Maria asked what my daily rountine, and somehow i do told her that sometimes i spent my time in blogging and she suggested to write it in German. I actually had thought about it, but that time my Deutsch too weak. Aber ich will in der Januar anfangen. Am Januar fange ich mein Deutschblog an. OK?
Es ist zu spaet. Jetzt ist einundzwanzig Uhr vierzig. Ich muss meine deutsche hausaufgaben weiter.
Tschues!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Das Leben der Anderen
This movie was introduced by my German lecturer. Overall the movies was awesome. The translated title "The Life of Others".What make the movie interesting is the story line as well the meaning behind the title.
Though it was last year movie, but i don't think many of us have watched this movie. Is recommended.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Europe in Malaysia!
On the Sunday(30th Nov), we went to a Christmas Bazaar in KL Pac,Sentul Park. Not an ordinary bazaar. It called "Austrian-German-Swiss Bazaar 2008). By the name, you can clearly know that it was for European in Malaysia.
Forget about how we reached there, or what we had went through to be there.LOL! You guys just need to know what happened in the bazaar. When we were at the entrance, gosh.... you couldn't imagine that you actually in Malaysia. There were fulled with European, as if we were the foreigner there. LOL! Only or skin look different that others. Guess i don't need to talk much. Picture will do the talking
Inside the building.Place where Christmas cookies were sold.
Here stall main stalls. Sell a lot of Christmas needs, Oh ya, We bought the Gruesswein from there.
With Aik Loon, the picture actually aime on the girls behind us.LOL!
With Tien Chang, he is holding the Gruehwien.
In the bazaar with my entrance ticket. My face a bit reddish due to the wien effect.LOL!
The Christmas candle!
The side will of the building form the outside.
The sentul park sign with the reflection from the water in the lake.
Photo with Herr and Frau Trenaman
All Males!
"The Family Photo!"
LOL!
The small little Christmas tree
This staircase, always seen it TV. it's unique!
Forget about how we reached there, or what we had went through to be there.LOL! You guys just need to know what happened in the bazaar. When we were at the entrance, gosh.... you couldn't imagine that you actually in Malaysia. There were fulled with European, as if we were the foreigner there. LOL! Only or skin look different that others. Guess i don't need to talk much. Picture will do the talking
Inside the building.Place where Christmas cookies were sold.
Here stall main stalls. Sell a lot of Christmas needs, Oh ya, We bought the Gruesswein from there.
With Aik Loon, the picture actually aime on the girls behind us.LOL!
With Tien Chang, he is holding the Gruehwien.
Stuff that been sell, kinda "cute"
In the bazaar with my entrance ticket. My face a bit reddish due to the wien effect.LOL!
The Christmas candle!
The side will of the building form the outside.
The sentul park sign with the reflection from the water in the lake.
Photo with Herr and Frau Trenaman
All Males!
"The Family Photo!"LOL!
The small little Christmas tree
This staircase, always seen it TV. it's unique!
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